Tuesday, 13 September 2011

A bit fractured and a new start

Recently I have been feeling a bit insecure and inadequate. Like I am not quite good enough or smart enough and that everybody else seems to be achieving so much more.

It is silly; when someone I know tells me some news, professional, personal, anything really, I am always so so proud of them, there is nothing negative in my feelings towards them, but, on occasion, their brilliance evokes some negative feelings towards myself.

That I am not keeping up, that I am not even comparable.

Why do I beat myself up? I don't know. I always have. It is stupid. I have achieved things - I have a degree, I have an amazing family and friends, I have a wonderful husband. But, despite these amazing things - things that lots of people would love to have and indeed search and fight for - I still feel that, in myself, I am not good enough.

Even right now, I am wondering whether I should even post this. Isn't it a tad self-indulgent? What will you think of me? Will you think that I am just a bit of a dick? That I have no idea about real problems? That scares me a bit. Isn't that idiotic?

So, this time, rather than waiting for the problem to fade away for a bit as I usually do, I am tackling it. Or I am trying to.

I have decided to enrol on a British Sign Language Level 1 course.

I had my first class last night and I can not tell you how nervous I was; would I be rubbish? Would everyone laugh at me? Would I be able to do it in anyway?

But I did. And I chatted with the other people there and I came out able to finger spell, ask for someones name and where they live (also, slightly bizarrely, the word biscuit - beware deaf people of Hull, I can find out where you live and then ask for your biscuits!).

Granted there were some dicey moments; for one thing I was so anxious before hand, I nipped home and made a bacon sandwich (I hadn't eaten any lunch due to nerves) and therefore reeked of cooking bacon. No-one wants to be known as Smelly-Bacon-Fat-Girl.

Me the last time I was in education... I promise the hat will not come back this time.
The important thing is that it is making me feel better about myself and, while I have had people say 'Why would you do that course? What's the point?' (so supportive!), I am choosing to not listen. I can do this and will.


Peridot said...

I think a lot of people, no, strike that, a lot of WOMEN feel like this. I read your posts and think oh, I can never be this witty and concise so you can be sure people are looking at you and thinking the same thing. And good for you for tackling it in the way that works for you.

PS The scent of bacon sarnies is likely to act as an aphrodisac on any men in the class - be warned!

Slice of Pie said...

Here here Peridot! Miss Livy as you know I am exactly the same hence it taking me about 5 years to get round to doing what I am doing now! I never thought anyone would buy my products but hey they are doing! You will have to teach me so we can go out dancing and still have a chat! x