It is silly; when someone I know tells me some news, professional, personal, anything really, I am always so so proud of them, there is nothing negative in my feelings towards them, but, on occasion, their brilliance evokes some negative feelings towards myself.
That I am not keeping up, that I am not even comparable.
Why do I beat myself up? I don't know. I always have. It is stupid. I have achieved things - I have a degree, I have an amazing family and friends, I have a wonderful husband. But, despite these amazing things - things that lots of people would love to have and indeed search and fight for - I still feel that, in myself, I am not good enough.
Even right now, I am wondering whether I should even post this. Isn't it a tad self-indulgent? What will you think of me? Will you think that I am just a bit of a dick? That I have no idea about real problems? That scares me a bit. Isn't that idiotic?
So, this time, rather than waiting for the problem to fade away for a bit as I usually do, I am tackling it. Or I am trying to.
I have decided to enrol on a British Sign Language Level 1 course.
I had my first class last night and I can not tell you how nervous I was; would I be rubbish? Would everyone laugh at me? Would I be able to do it in anyway?
But I did. And I chatted with the other people there and I came out able to finger spell, ask for someones name and where they live (also, slightly bizarrely, the word biscuit - beware deaf people of Hull, I can find out where you live and then ask for your biscuits!).
Granted there were some dicey moments; for one thing I was so anxious before hand, I nipped home and made a bacon sandwich (I hadn't eaten any lunch due to nerves) and therefore reeked of cooking bacon. No-one wants to be known as Smelly-Bacon-Fat-Girl.
|Me the last time I was in education... I promise the hat will not come back this time.|