Friday, 29 January 2010

Sometimes we all need a little perspective

Having a shitty day and feeling sorry for myself so I did what I usually did and read Nienie to show myself that my life is GOOD. No idea if you follow Nienie - if you don't then do, granted she is a right wing Mormon but she inspires me in the day to day life stuff. To go through all that she has and still be able to list the things you are thankful for is pretty big for me.
So if you are wallowing (like me) and want some perspective then give her a read - there is a full background on her on her blog and she will make you feel like your problems are nothing. I promise.

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

A night time adventure

I am going to take you back, way back, to Monday 11th January at 4am, what were you doing? Sleeping, snoring, having inappropriate dreams?

Usually me too, but on this particular occasion I was standing on a street corner, in my jammies, in the snow.



When we booked our Scotland trip we decided it would be fun to stay overnight in Newcastle on the way up. On arrival at the hotel, we travelled in the smallest lift in the world, and settled down to a pleasant evening in the bar. We stumbled off to bed around midnight and quickly fell into a deep slumber.

At 3.10am the fire alarm went off, loudly, it then stopped. Being the conscientious people that we are, we felt the floor, found it wasn't hot, and went back to sleep.

Five minutes later it goes again then stops. This happens intermittently for the next 30 minutes until it suddenly turns into a constant blare. We ring reception and are told that, although it is the building next door, we need to evacuate.

So we do.

We stand in the snow for 40 minutes, me clutching a bag holding Kitty, my favourite childhood (.... and adulthood) cuddly toy, Steve making fun of me because that is what I grabbed in the three minutes we had to get out, not my phone or purse.

My jammies and slippers on said evening - do you like the pink polka dots?

By 4.30am we had trudged back up to our room, I got straight back into bed and to sleep; Steve felt the need to unwind and turned the TV on.

Which is when he saw the best thing ever....

Sign language interpreters were signing pop songs!

Can you imagine anything more brilliant?

Sunday, 24 January 2010

He really is shit

Postman Pat that is.

I watch him every morning at around 7am, sure he seems nice enough but surely he should have been struck off by now. He is completely inept. He can't just get on with his job without an attention-seeking display of ineptitude and as for the unsecured animal riding in his van - well the health and safety issues are just beyond belief. The number of personal errands he seems to do while working is beyond ridiculous... once I saw him close the Post Office so he and Mrs Goggins could spring clean... I mean really!!!

Plus I'll point out that he is also doing work on the side, the Specsavers ads of all things! He sold out big time; I mean seriously, he couldn't see well enough to know that you don’t deliver vegetables through letter boxes??? Totally should be sacked.

And now we're at it, whatever happened to Miss Hubbard and Granny Dryden? They were so in it when I was little; I suspect they may be under Ted Glen's patio.....

It's a travesty.

ps. He is more reliable than my postman though

Friday, 22 January 2010

At least I find him hilarious

Steve had to fill in one of those 'fun' work questionnaires. You know, there are twenty or so questions and it is designed as a delightful team building activity.

Anyway, one of the questions was:

'Name your three favourite bands'

Steve answered:

'Elastic, rubber and sweat'

As a result he has had to endure a long session on 'The workplace is a place to be serious'.

Oh to be British

The other night I was watching the news. The Kraft takeover of Cadbury's came up. Now this is sad, I agree but it is hardly ground breaking news that will change the world.

One slightly dopey looking interviewee was particularly indignant:

'It's disgraceful! I mean there ain't much British left in this country is there?!'

What the flippity is he on about? There is the Queen, me, you, Ryan Giggs and Kate Thornton. There's five right there. And I don't even have a huge amount of smarts.

Thursday, 21 January 2010

I was on her side....

Last night, my friend and her boyfriend had an out and out row about what order the cutlery goes in the drawer. She has a specific order. He just chucks them in willy nilly.

Now I remember these arguments (there was a brilliant one about tinned tomatoes that resulted in me storming out of our flat and refusing to come back for an hour, even though it was December and I had no coat). Occasionally Steve and I still have them but after three and a half years of living together thankfully (??) they are few and far between, not that we totally agree on the way things are done, we've just learnt to pick our battles. These arguments are a normal part of moving in together; hell two of my friends still have an ongoing row about the use and definition of dishcloths.

I was reassuring my friend of this fact and sympathising with her entirely until she said one fateful thing:

"I mean, how hard is it to remember it is 'spoon, fork, knife, spoon, fork, knife'?"

My jaw dropped, I was literally stunned to silence. Spoon, fork, knife????

No, it is fork, knife, spoon, everyone knows this! It is the order you put them out on the table for crying out loud!

No-one puts the spoon first, even the knife, fork, spooners know that!

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

I should have just grabbed one

Tonight, after tea, Steve and I settled down in the living room. I got on with some work, Steve watched the football. As a very naughty break from the, as yet unsuccessful, starvation diet, we had a buttery crumpet each (how dodgy does that sound, but seriously, my interest at this point is purely carb related). We finished them and both got on with our separate activities.

A little while later, Steve went out the room, returning with two more crumpets, how sweet, I think.

He sits down, smiles at me and eats both.

Me: How unfair


Me: I am so hungry


Me: After I made you one earlier


Me: Oi! Steve!


Me: Steve! Steve! Steve! Steve!

Steve: (very indignant) What? I'm watching the footb...

He pauses to witness Carlos Tevez shoot from just outside the 18 yard box. He misses.

Steve: Tevez, you selfish fucker, you should have passed it. Greedy bastard.

Me: You can hardly talk can you, eating my crumpets.

Steve: Didn't I offer you one?

Me: (curtly) No.

Steve: Do you want one?

Me: Yes!

Steve: Well I got the last two so you'll have to wait until you buy some more.


I have so many posts to do it is unreal.

I have spent the last week in Och-aye-min-ooh-Land (that's Scotland to those not in the know) and have muchos stories to tell. But I can't. I want to. But I can't.

You see I, being the loving and thoughtful author that I am, want to illustrate said stories with photos. And Steve has all the images on his i-phone and camera. So does Mike. 'Tis sehr sad.

So you will have to wait until tomorrow when Steve sends them to me, but, just to tickle your taste buds, I will tell you that I saw a squirrel slip on the ice and slide down a little hill on his tail.

Adorable non?

Sunday, 10 January 2010

Lost letters

because I am so ready for the final season!

Dear Black Smoke Monster That Judges People: You killed Mr. Eko but let Ben live? You are a lamey judge.

Dear Ben: Your dad should have drowned you when you were an infant.

Dear J.J. Abrams: I am warning you right now, if Ben turns out to be some sort of good guy a la Severus Snape, you and I are finished.

Dear Jin: I love you.

Dear Juliet: You totally got the shaft, literally and figuratively. It made me cry.

Dear Sun: You left your baby and went back to the island without even knowing if/how you'd ever get back to her? What the??

Dear Sawyer: I love you as well.

Dear Miles and Hurley: You guys are great together. Please never be parted.

Dear John Locke: I've never really liked you, even before you became some sort of evil incarnation of Jacob's mortal enemy. You are too full of yourself and you have man boobs.

Dear Jack: You have GOT to lay off the pills. You've turned into such a weirdy.

Dear Claire: Where the devil ARE you?

Dear Desmond: I like you enough to ignore your squinty gerbil eye.

Dear Daniel Faraday: Thank you for being the one smart character who is relatable, in that you didn't automatically know exactly how to handle a gun. You waltzed into the Others' camp waving it around like an idiot and were just asking to get shot in the back. This is exactly what most intellectual people I know would do in your situation.

Dear Daniel Faraday's mother: You shot your own son in the back, you beast. And I don't care how many good reasons you had for not letting him play the piano or date, I still want to punch you in the face.

Dear Jin: Seriously, I love you. Call me.

Dear Richard: Are you wearing eyeliner? Tell me the truth.

Dear Charles Widmore: I can see you being a valid Severus Snape character. You should have been nicer to Penny and Des, but at least you and I are in agreement about drowning Ben as an infant.

Dear Jacob: For a centuries-old, magic-wielding, omniscient sage, you suck at self-defense.

I could really use some "Lost" friends with whom to discuss theories and such - especially once the new season starts. Email me. Steve is useless.

Friday, 8 January 2010

Petition to Ben and Jerry's, Haagan Daaz, Wall's, Carte D'Or et al

Please stop putting chocolate in ice cream. No, not chocolate flavoring. Chocolate ice cream is delicious. But chunks and chips of chocolate, mixed into ice cream? No. Cease and desist.

Chocolate should be smooth and rich and luscious and melt in your mouth. Frozen bits of cheap semi-sweet wax do NOT melt in your mouth. They require crunching and munching, and they splinter and squeak between teeth. It's not good.

When I bought a tub of Ben and Jerry's Loaded Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough the other day, got it home and served it up and discovered it was loaded not with cookie dough BUT WITH CHOCOLATE CHIPS, my rage was fearsome to behold. Everyone present (Steve) quivered before it.

You don't want to behold my fearsome rage, ice cream manufacturers.

So please. Leave out the chocolate.

Livy, out.

Thursday, 7 January 2010

For the love of MY boobies

I have big boobies.

I do. It's true. There is no point denying it. Not only are they big but my back is inordinately small. It is a silly combination and one I have rather a love/hate relationship with.

Anyway I tell you this, not for the good of your health, but because it sets the scene for something that happened today.

On Sunday, as I may have mentioned, we are going to Scotland. In anticipation for this I had purchased a new swimsuit from Bravissimo (we have a hot tub in the place we stay - I haven't confused Scotland with the Seychelles or anything). It arrived about a week ago but I neglected to try it on until today.

And that is where I came unstuck. Bravissimo (who are usually awesome by the way) have built in bras in their suits so I ordered the 28GG, my size.

I started to put the swimsuit on. It was slightly tight but I ignored it and powered through. It was when the suit reached my mid thigh area I realised that while my back, and therefore top part of the swimsuit, is 28 inches, unfortunately my thighs and arse are not.

Panicked and desperate, I tried to yank it up. It got as far as half way over my bum and then got entirely stuck.

I flailed about for 10 minutes, trying in vain to get the damn thing off before deciding there was only one thing left to do:

Me: S!!!! S!!!!! S!!!!

S: (Walking into the bedroom) What? Why are you ye.....

He sees me, he smiles, he grins, he laughs outloud.

Me: (Naked top half and with swimsuit jammed over thighs and half my bottom) Stop it! Just help me get it off.

Ten minutes of squealing, tugging and contemplating cutting the thing off me, we eventually to prise it off me. I was free!

S turned to me as he walked out the room:

S: It's a good thing I fancy you.

He pauses. Then, under his breath,

S: Although I don't right now.

First month, worst month

Does anybody really like January?

I hate it.

End of holidays, no more days off until Easter.

Back to reality.

Cold without the Christmas spirit to warm you up.

Dismay over the festive five pounds you swore you wouldn't gain this time.

No good films being released.

Messy house.

(OK, that last one really has nothing to do with January, but still it's contributing to my sour mood.)


Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Do you like my trees? You do? I stole them

Good Morrow my lovelies (should there be the extra 'e' in there? I can never decide), how are you? How was your Christmas and you New Year celebrations? Mine were delicious.

Today I was thinking about snow. Mainly because it is snowing and has been for days. Now I like snow, it is fluffy and white, like marshmallows and no-one dislikes them. But it has come to my attention that some people dislike it. Why I hear you cry? I don't know! I mean what's not to love? You can make snowmen and snow angels and snow dogs... pretty much anything out of snow, I once made a snow orange.

Do you love snow?

love and kisses (but only if you regularly brush your teeth),

Livy x

ps coming up is my Review of 2009, aces!

pps I will be blogging a lot over the next few days, because I love you all, obviously but also to distract me from my hunger due to my starvation diet.

ppps should it be pps or pss? Interesting.