Friday, 31 July 2009

The final holiday post

Aren't I good? I said tomorrow and I stuck to it. This is a definite step towards meeting work deadlines.

This is the final holiday post, after this you will just have to listen (do you listen to blogs? That's a silly question) to me wittering on about my very exciting life (highlights this week include a broken computer and a possible hedge cutting disaster).

So on our lovely holiday we met a delightful young bar man named Reynaldo. He was about 18 and spoke very little English but insisted on making me very strong cocktails (the effects were even more disastrous than when I used wine as a vodka mixer). The conversation on the first night went like this:

Reynaldo: You nice couple. How many lovings you make?

Me: Ummmmm... what?

Reynaldo: Lovings. You make lots for long time?

S (looking proud): Well... I wouldn't say exceptionally long but...

Me (glaring at S): We have been together for five years.. is that what you mean?

Reynaldo: Yes. I go now. You go too. Make lots of babies tonight.

As you can see the bond was instant.

On the last night, we propped up the bar, getting wearier and wearier as Reynaldo made me his 'special cocktail' (not like that you filthy minded readers). Suddenly he did what can only be described as giant thrusting motions to S while pointing at my cocktail.

'This make her love you', he excitedly exclaimed.

S smiled politely. 'I best have another too then', he said. (Which in hindsight seems quite insulting towards me...)

'No no', replies Reynaldo, 'No more for you or you no can do boom boom.'

And we left.

Thursday, 30 July 2009

The second holiday post

I made you wait a whole week just so you'd be extra excited, did it work? Well I for one AM super excited, whether it is because it is nearly home time, nearly Friday (my favourite day of the year) or the fact that today I have eaten 400g of raw peas (approximately 11 fruit portions) and 27 strawberry chewits (which I am going to count as another 11 fruit portions) today I'm not sure but I sure am loving it.

Anyway, back to the holiday. I learnt a lot of valuable lessons on this holiday. I thought I would summarise a few for you:
  • Do not read emotional books on the beach. When reading one particular book where they described in horrid detail, the beating of a 4 year old girl, I started sobbing. The poor pool boys were very concerned, 'Que pasa Senorita? Why you cry?'.
  • Never sunbathe while holding a book aloft to block the sun. If you do then please remember that your underarms hardly ever see the sun and therefore will burn easily. If you ignore all of this and do burn under your arms, DO NOT shave them immediately after.
  • Do not let a man with a camera take a picture of you sunbathing. Ever.
  • Do not attempt to put perfume on under a ceiling fan unless you want to nearly choke to death and get stingy eyes.
  • Do not believe S when he tells you that insect repellent makes you invisible to mosquitoes and deliberately stand in the most mosquitoy place you can find. They will sting you.
  • Do not order the local 151 Rum, so called because it is 151% proof - 82% pure alcohol, think you are hard when you feel no effect after one shot so order another then fall off your bar stool.

Did you like my advice? I think it is sound in all situations, not just on holiday.

Things I did on holiday:

  • Swam with dolphins, she was a 9 year old girl dolphin called Amy (a very human name for a dolphin I feel). As a part of the swim we had to kiss her. She tasted of fish. Not cherry chapstick as Katy Perry claimed. The bitch.
  • Told people at the bar that S had kissed a nine year old girl when swimming, neglecting to mention that it was, in fact, a dolphin.
  • Begged S for forgiveness.
  • Learnt that the ice hockey team in Toronto is called the Toronto Mapleleaves.
  • Learnt that Canada is still in the British Commonwealth. I learnt this because a random Canadian-Brazilian man said he was my brother. I was excited for a while until I found out that it was just a stinky Commonwealth link. I was visioning free holidays.
  • Finished the Heat magazine book, detailing the most exclusive and exciting events in the magazine's history. Disappointed to find that he didn't mention that I won a dvd player in the Heat crossword in 2001.
  • Spent £10 on a tube of Pringles and a copy of the Daily Mail so S could find out how the England U21s did in some sort of final, only to find that the paper was 6 days old.

Now I only have another three amusing holiday stories left - tomorrow maybe?

Wednesday, 22 July 2009

The first holiday post

Oh yes! The first one! I am going to attempt to put them in the order in which they happened (holi-betical order if you will). I thought about just doing one massive post but I know you don't have massive attention spans - aren't I good to you?

Oh wait, S has just pointed out to me that 'holi-betical order' is actually just 'time'. He can be quite pedantic can't he? Besides, my word is better.

So here we go:

We flew from Manchester after staying in the worst hotel EVER. Honestly, while we were at dinner they gave our room to someone else! With our stuff in it. Luckily for us it was a little old couple and not some sunhat and bikini loving kleptomaniac. Anyway, yes, after waiting three hours in the airport in which time I managed to buy 11 magazines and a pair of Gucci sunglasses (S bought a bottle of water), we finally boarded and settled in for the next nine hours.

I chose to watch 'Marley and Me' on the in flight entertainment. Mistake. Sobbing uncontrollably at 30,000 feet because a fictional dog died is not good. I got some weird looks from everyone near me. Then chose to watch 'He's Just Not That Into You'. Mistake. Laughing out loud at 30,000 feet when wearing headphones is not good. The weird looks continued.

I got out of my seat on this flight which is remarkable for me. I usually get so comfy and cosy that I just hole up, I once did an 11 hour flight to Canada without moving but this time, no, I got up once in the nine hours and even braved the disgusting little toilet with the ferocious flush (seriously, why? If you accidentally pressed it while still on the toilet then you would probably get sucked in and flung into the sky). Personal growth people.

We arrive in Dominican Republic, endure an hour long coach ride while being told that there are no driving regulations, you can drive at any age, don't need a license or insurance and you can drive after alcohol. I pull my seat belt tighter to me.

We check in to the hotel - very purty and, as a bonus, I am given a cocktail on arrival. We arrive at our room, I check out the minibar and optics straight away, Steve goes to see where are bags are. The phone rings, it is lovely little Spanish man on reception.

Me: Hola.

Reception: Hello, are your Mummy and Daddy there?

Me (please remember I haven't slept for 27 hours at this point): No, they are in England.

There is a long pause.

Reception: Are you there by yourself?

Me: Yes... why?

Reception (getting more and more confused): Are you alright by yourself?

Me (very confused and fuzzy at this point): Yes... I'm fine, I've found the minibar and am having a beer on the balcony.

There is another pause.

Reception (very slowly): How - old - are - you?

Me (equally slowly): Twen - ty - five.

See, we got off to a good start didn't we?

I am randomly...

craving a gin and lemonade with two slices of lemon in it.

Monday, 20 July 2009

I'm back!

Hello everyone! I am still alive and here! Hoorah!

If you remember correctly the last you heard from me was that I was about to go on holiday to the Dominican Republic. Well I did (with Mr S) and had a FAB time - it was truly awesome. Obviously I had no computer access over there so was unable to update the blog so I did the next best thing and wrote things down using a pen and notebook (remember those?), I will therefore, over the coming days/weeks, do a series of holiday posts. Bet you can't wait!

I meant to do this two weeks ago when we got back but unfortunately something much more exciting happened - I GOT SWINE FLU!

I know, my peeps, I nearly turned into a piglet. Crazy huh? Basically on the last day of the holiday I got a cold (interesting side point, trying to ask for Vics Vapour Rub in Spanish is HARD, doing actions to aid your speech will only prompt the pharmacist to give you Viagra and condoms), anyway, the cold got progressively worse and decided to invite his friends, Mr Sickness and Ms Tummy Bug along just for kicks.

After that things got ridiculous. I called the doctor like I was told to, who immediately declared I had swine flu, sent me a sick note for 'however long I wanted' and informed me that I was now quarantined in my flat, did I have a flu buddy? Hmmm... well, I have S...

So, fast forward two weeks of not leaving my flat, during which time I read everything we owned including cereal boxes and shampoo bottles and watched approximately 5million hours of day time TV (turns out, it does indeed get old), I am finally allowed out again! Honestly, this morning I appeared from my building in a similar fashion to those people you see in films who have been trapped underground for years, all wide eyed and blinking. So far I have only seen the inside of my office and the journey to work but at lunch I am going to go.... TO A SHOP!

Wish me luck.