Anyway, back to the holiday. I learnt a lot of valuable lessons on this holiday. I thought I would summarise a few for you:
- Do not read emotional books on the beach. When reading one particular book where they described in horrid detail, the beating of a 4 year old girl, I started sobbing. The poor pool boys were very concerned, 'Que pasa Senorita? Why you cry?'.
- Never sunbathe while holding a book aloft to block the sun. If you do then please remember that your underarms hardly ever see the sun and therefore will burn easily. If you ignore all of this and do burn under your arms, DO NOT shave them immediately after.
- Do not let a man with a camera take a picture of you sunbathing. Ever.
- Do not attempt to put perfume on under a ceiling fan unless you want to nearly choke to death and get stingy eyes.
- Do not believe S when he tells you that insect repellent makes you invisible to mosquitoes and deliberately stand in the most mosquitoy place you can find. They will sting you.
- Do not order the local 151 Rum, so called because it is 151% proof - 82% pure alcohol, think you are hard when you feel no effect after one shot so order another then fall off your bar stool.
Did you like my advice? I think it is sound in all situations, not just on holiday.
Things I did on holiday:
- Swam with dolphins, she was a 9 year old girl dolphin called Amy (a very human name for a dolphin I feel). As a part of the swim we had to kiss her. She tasted of fish. Not cherry chapstick as Katy Perry claimed. The bitch.
- Told people at the bar that S had kissed a nine year old girl when swimming, neglecting to mention that it was, in fact, a dolphin.
- Begged S for forgiveness.
- Learnt that the ice hockey team in Toronto is called the Toronto Mapleleaves.
- Learnt that Canada is still in the British Commonwealth. I learnt this because a random Canadian-Brazilian man said he was my brother. I was excited for a while until I found out that it was just a stinky Commonwealth link. I was visioning free holidays.
- Finished the Heat magazine book, detailing the most exclusive and exciting events in the magazine's history. Disappointed to find that he didn't mention that I won a dvd player in the Heat crossword in 2001.
- Spent £10 on a tube of Pringles and a copy of the Daily Mail so S could find out how the England U21s did in some sort of final, only to find that the paper was 6 days old.
Now I only have another three amusing holiday stories left - tomorrow maybe?