Friday, 17 September 2010

The long and the short of it

Steve is 6'4".

I think that, by anyone's standards, that is tall. Except, perhaps, in Steve's family. For he is the shortest, oh yes, a relevant titch. You see his brother is 6'6" and his Dad is 6'8".

Tis like being with a family of giants.

Having been out with many men in the past.... wait, not many men, proportional to my age I am sure that it is pretty average.... except I have been with Steve for five and a half years now so therefore the number that I had at 20 is only minus one from the number now.... sod it. Fine there were many men. Anyway, I got lost there. So, yes, out of all the men I dated in the past, Steve is the tallest. The others have varied from the tall, to the average, to the small (bless Gabriel, despite what Steve may say, he was not an actual midget, merely 5'2").

I would like to say that all of this multiheighted dating was done as research, all in anticipation of this post but that would be a lie. No, I was just unfussy in my youth (unheightest if you will). Anyway, here are my findings:

Pro tall:
  • I can always wear heels, no matter the height
  • It is muchos handy round the house, in fact my Nana actually books Steve in to change lightbulbs
  • I always feel teeny which, when you have ginormous boobies and a curvy bum, is totally a plus
  • Tall men are totally cute with teeny tiny children
Of course, with every up there must be a down...

Anti tall:
  • I constantly have to change the shower position, which when you are naked and cold and stood in the bath, is not good.
  • People cross over from you when you walk down the street with said tall man, granted, Steve had shaved his head but the glaring like you must kill puppies isn't the best
  • Tall men were never teeny tiny babies. Both Steve and his brother were nearing the stone mark when born. Steve was too big for the cot in the hospital. The risk of giant babies looms constantly over me, I have nightmares of a grown man exploding out of my stomach complete with brief case, cigar and bowler hat. Adoption may be the way forward.
It seems that tall is the way to go boy wise - any wise thoughts from you lot? x

Wednesday, 15 September 2010

This Wednesday I am mainly....

loving my newly painted grey nails.

So there.

ps I have also worked out how to email photos from my phone to my computer (I am approximately 3 and a half years behind everyone else), although I have no idea why it has a grey band at the bottom, maybe it was trying to co-ordinate with my rocking nails? xxxx

Tuesday, 14 September 2010

Because I am a little lazy

I saw this on a friend's blog and thought it would be fun. Bold the ones you have done and then post it on your blog! (The explanation mark comes from the original post, it is actually not that exciting).
1. Started your own blog

2. Slept under the stars

3. Played in a band (well not technically played, more invaded some instruments in a club while the band were on a break. I strummed for about 1 and a half minutes before being asked to kindly leave)

4. Visited Hawaii (hopefully on the honeymoon!)

5. Watched a meteor shower (yep and found it quite dull)

6. Given more than you can afford to charity

7. Been to Disneyland or Disneyworld (nope - my Mummy obviously didn't love me enough)

8. Climbed a mountain (when I was 9 years old. And never done it since)

9. Held a praying mantis

10. Sang a solo (several times although why I don't know, I'm not exactly tuneful)

11. Bungee jumped (hell no and I won't be. Ever.)

12. Visited Paris (yep and, in my humble opinion, best time to go is November. So there.)

13. Watched a lightning storm at sea (no, what a random thing to do)

14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (as everyone who knows me will testify, I am unteachable at art. Seriously no talent or aptitude whatsoever.)

15. Adopted a child (no... although I might like to)

16. Had food poisoning (nope, even after eating raw chicken at uni to see what would happen. Stomach of iron apparently).

17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty

18. Grown your own vegetables (Livy's Hand = Hand of Death)

19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France (YES! Finally another I have done! It is a lot smaller in real life)

20. Slept on an overnight train (No, but I have slept on a regular train, in the day)

21. Had a pillow fight (Obviously)

22. Hitch hiked (No, but I have been in a car that picked up a hitch hiker. That was a disturbing day).

23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (but don't tell my boss)

24. Built a snow fort (many a time)

25. Held a lamb (not only that I have birthed a lamb on my uncle's farm)

26. Gone skinny dipping (shhh)

27. Run a Marathon (No, and unlike everyone I know, I have no plans to. It seems a very long way.)

28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice

29. Seen a total eclipse (Yes and I marked the occasion by making an eclipse cake)

30. Watched a sunrise or sunset

31. Hit a home run (I don't even know what one of these is)

32. Been on a cruise

33. Seen Niagara Falls in person (well technically, I was only 18 months old though. And my parents went on the boat ride LEAVING ME WITH A TOTAL STRANGER)

34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors (This was so designed for Americans wasn't it? Well, I've been to Wales and I've been to Norfolk)

35. Seen an Amish community

36. Taught yourself a new language

37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (do I have my diamond shoes yet....)

38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person

39. Gone rock climbing (in hindsight, it was a mistake...)

40. Seen Michelangelo’s David

41. Sung karaoke (I don't actually think I have!)

42. Seen Olde Faithful Geyser Erupt

43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant (Why would I do that....?)

44. Visited Africa

45. Walked on a beach by moonlight

46. Been transported in an ambulance

47. Had your portrait painted (well, sketched by the a caricaturist)

48. Gone deep sea fishing (Well I went fishing on a boat in the ocean, does that count as deep sea? My Tante Vreni got a fish hook in her arm).

49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person

50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris (several times, it is awesome but generally windy and you just can't help but want to throw a penny off the top. I didn't.)

51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling

52. Kissed in the rain

53. Played in the mud

54. Gone to a drive-in theatre

55. Been in a movie or on a TV show (including once excellent news report where all you see is 14 year old me walking back and forth in the background)

56. Visited the Great Wall of China

57. Started a business (a card making business when I was 7. It was very successful.)

58. Had an encounter with a wild animal

59. Visited Russia

60. Served at a soup kitchen

61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies

62. Gone whale watching (again, perhaps on honeymoon)

63. Got flowers for no reason (I am that great)

64. Donated blood, platelets, or plasma (a little bit too anaemic unfortunately. Steve does it every few months though)

65. Gone sky diving

66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp (no, but my Grandad was one of the first soldiers to go into one at the end of the second World War)

67. Bounced a cheque

68. Flown in a helicopter

69. Saved a favourite childhood toy (like all of them)

70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial

71. Eaten Caviar (YUCK!)

72. Pieced a quilt

73. Stood in Times Square

74. Toured the Everglades

75. Been fired from a job (yep, from the Co-op. Apparently I was not committed to the Co-op family.)

76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London

77. Broken a bone (No, thank goodness)

78. Been on a speeding motorcycle

79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person (again, hopefully on honeymoon)

80. Published a book

81. Visited the Vatican

82. Bought a brand new car (I don't think this will ever happen)

83. Walked in Jerusalem

84. Had your picture in the newspaper (the first time being when I was 3 and sang a solo in the nursery nativity. I then cried because I didn't want my photo taken. Always a diva).

85. Read the entire Bible

86. Visited the White House

87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating

88. Had chickenpox (Yep, and measles and German measles and mumps. All before I was a year old).

89. Saved someone’s life (well I threw my Kitty out of the fire before I jumped, some people say that she is just a cuddly toy BUT SHE IS REAL!)

90. Sat on a Jury

91. Met someone famous (not only that but I was chatted up by Nigel Havers and referred to as 'a mystery blonde' in The News of the World when photographed with Harry Enfield - we worked together at the time).

92. Joined a book club

93. Lost a loved one

94. Had a baby (nope, on the to do list at some point though)

95. Seen the Alamo in person

96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake

97. Been involved in a law suit

98. Owned a cell phone

99. Been stung by a bee

100. Taken a martial arts class
Wasn't that dull?

Monday, 13 September 2010

Some tips

Today I thought I would give you some excellent (and some not so excellent) tips:

Tips that deserve the title of Very Useful:
  • When putting a duvet cover on, use pegs to keep the corners in the corners.
  • When cooking sauces, add frozen vegetables to it and then mush them in so they are undetectable. Steve will then not moan about them. I'd imagine this would also work with small children.
  • Life is too short for ironing. No-one ever looked back on their life from their death-bed and thought, if only I had done more ironing.
  • Clean everything with white vinegar. Yes, everything will smell of vinegar but I think it smells nice. I really don't care if you do.
  • If you are about to jump out of a burning building, do not, I repeat, DO NOT, throw your phone out first. You will not find it amongst all the bushes for ages and will be seen as a lunatic by the nice policemen trying to help you.
  • To top and tail string beans easily, do it while they are still in the bag - tip to one side so all the ends line up, chop, then do the same with the other end.
  • Shave your legs with baby oil, makes them super soft.
  • If you're feeling lazy or unmotivated, get showered and dressed, do hair and make-up. Guarantee you'll suddenly feel more enthusiastic about the day ahead. Please note, this does not work if what you are in fact feeling lazy and unmotivated about is getting showered and dressed.
Tips that some people do not believe but I KNOW are correct:
  • If your neighbours are annoying, give them a rude comedy nickname, which you can mutter under your breath every time you see them.
  • If you eat a large quantity of sweet/fatty food, two or three minutes on the exercise bike will balance it out.
  • If you read the first three pages of The Times/Independent then people will think you are super clever and you will be able to comment on everything
  • If you put optics up in your kitchen then you will think it is a good idea to have a vodka and juice (for the fruit portion obviously) every night
  • Don't ring your Nana while drunk. She really won't find it as funny as you do.
  • Don't run when drunk - it only feels fast
  • When drunk and asked to walk in a straight line to get entry to a club, do not pretend you are walking a tightrope.
And finally the most important one of all:

*Don't try and melt your home waxing strips with your GHDs. you will end up with wax on your hair, but not the hair it is supposed to be on.*

Please feel free to share your tips, useful or from experience. Loves loves loves x

Friday, 10 September 2010

The hotness of me

Today I got persuaded into going to a Sixth Form Induction Day for work. I arrived and sneaked to the back where I went over my notes of what I had to say to the group of oh-so-cool 16 year olds when my turn came.

While doing this, the induction staff were running the always fun bonding activities, one of which was to go round the room and ask each learner to say one good thing about joining the sixth form and being on the induction.

There were the usual, unenthusiastic answers; no uniform, calling staff by their last name, more freedom etc....

Then they turned to one boy (who looked like a young, hot Robbie Williams - can I say that or is that very wrong? Sod it. He's 16 isn't he? He was quite cute, there I said it.) and asked him,

"What's the best thing about being here today?"

He paused.


"The mega hot woman stood behind me."

And he turned and pointed.

At me.

Oh yes people, I've still got it.

ps who knew 'mega' was back in?

Friday, 3 September 2010

Return of the blonde

Oh yes.

I suddenly realised tonight that our home insurance had run out. And, given that those adverts are on constantly, I decided to go on a certain comparison website to see what the best deal was.

I know, how grown up of me.

Anyway, it turns out that there are lots of very complicated questions when selecting home insurance, how much is in my flat? Do I count the 108 pairs of shoes? When you say over 400m away from water, does my flat count, given that it overlooks a river but is two stories up?

We managed to tackle most of these and then came to the following:

When do you want your policy to start?

That's easy, I think, today!

No, counters Steve, tomorrow.

"But what if our flat catches fire tonight? I have a history with fires you know Steve."

Steve looks exasperated, "I'll stay awake till midnight."

"Yes, but then you'll go to sleep! What if the fire starts then?"

"It'll be after midnight, so it'll be tomorrow and the policy will have started angel"

I pause. I think.

Steve continues, "Why... when did you think it would start?"

I pause again, knowing my answer is going to sound very silly.

In a small voice, "When I woke up."

Steve laughs outloud, so hard he can hardly breathe,

"You thought that the insurance company would start out new policy on the stated day, starting from when you woke up?"

Even smaller voice.

"Yes, I mean, that is when my tomorrow starts."

He has just about stopped laughing.

Thursday, 2 September 2010

The Boy who went one worse

In the summer of my lower 6th, just turned 17, I met Dave. He was lovely and again, had a car. He played me Destiny's Child songs down the phone and told me I was the most perfect girl he'd ever met. I admired his blatant honesty.

We happily dated for a fortnight, going to friend's birthday parties and the cinema. He decided that he would go to the local university instead of Edinburgh as he didn't want to leave me. Slowly but surely, I felt all the signs of teenage infatuation (also known as True Love to a 17 year old).

Then one night, he invited me to dinner at his parents' house. This was the moment I was waiting for. In my head, this was only one step away from a proposal.

So, dressed up, I went along to his house, and enjoyed a lovely meal with his lovely, if somewhat on edge, parents.

It took until dessert to find out why they were so on edge.

Turns out that Mr Dave not only had a girlfriend but a pregnant girlfriend at that.

And again came the sobs.

Wednesday, 1 September 2010

The Boy who Taught Me Romance

Freshly heartbroken from the Marine and his bad choice of names, I threw myself into going out and, while on one of these nights out, I met Grant. Grant was 21 and had a car. All big things to 16 year old Livy. I caught my hand in the club (the joy that was LAs in Hull) and told me I was pretty, all while staring at my top (which if I remember correctly had a picture of a hen with horns and the words 'Horny Chick' under it).

Ironically I had already kissed a boy that night, someone called Phil, Grant seemed like the obvious next step to complete the Mitchell Brothers set.

So kiss him I did, come 1am, we exchanged numbers and I went home, floating on a cloud, knowing that, where Mr Marine had failed, Grant would definitely be The One.

The next day this was confirmed with a text message; Grant told me how great it was to meet me and how he couldn't wait to see me again. I quickly arranged for us to go to my friend's birthday party on the following Friday night.

On the Friday he picked me up in his Skoda, and we went to the party, there we snogged in the corner and danced to Westlife before he drove me home. After 10 minutes of trying to persuade me to have sex with him in his car (I go for the classy ones), I left, again on a cloud of love.

The following Wednesday, I received a message from him saying I would be out on Saturday and why didn't I come out and stay with him over night, I could tell my parents that I was at a friends.

Being the good girl that I was, I said I didn't really want to and that I would feel strange staying at his house.

His house? he replies?

No, he meant a hotel, how could I stay at his house? What would his girlfriend say?

And so, heartbroken, I stopped texting him, sobbing my poor naive heart out.


I have dated some pretty strange men in the past.

And I have been dumped for some pretty bizarre reasons.

The trials of my love life have been mentioned on here before; remember the Valentine's Day disaster? And the first kiss?

Well things only went downhill from there really. When designing this post, I made a mental list of all the weird boys and strange men and bizarre situations I can remember... suffice to say, I could be here all day so instead, you will get them broken down, over several posts over the next few days. Come back at 4pm today for entry number 2: The Boy who Taught me Romance.

Post first kiss, my next tryst with romance was with a boy in holiday in France, I was just 16, he was nearly 17 and, in France's hot July, we spent a fortnight kissing on the beach and, in a much more unsavory choice, a disabled toilet (what can I say, we were young and had been told off for loitering near the pool). We held hands and told each other how much we were in love, we planned to run away with each other after we got home, he was going to join the marines and I was going to go with him and be a doctor (I had yet to get my GCSEs so not sure how that was going to work). On the last night, we exchanged jelly bracelets (it was the summer of 2000) and cried about how our evil parents were tearing us apart.

We texted and called for a while after that, always telling each other how we would be together again, and then I found out the deal breaker.

As you may recall, I have been forever obsessed with names. I always planned what I would call my future babies. I dreamt of a boy then twin girls and read name books to decide what I would call them. I was therefore thrilled when Mr Marine said that he wanted the same!

Fate ,16 year old me decided, and I eagerly set about telling him my names, for my son, Ronan, he did not have a problem with but when it got to my twins, my beautiful twins, Britney and Billie (lets just remember which year this was people....) he had an issue.

He was fine with Britney ('Bit weird to call my daughter after a bird I want to do but it kicks ass' - he was a classy guy) but Billie - no. Firstly, he didn't want to do Billie and secondly, he wanted his daughter to be called:


Like chandlier but without the D.

And just like that our love was over.