Friday, 18 January 2013

In the mind of Rex, aged 4 months and a bit

"I can sense you in my sleep. You try to take a nap, I will wake the eff up the second your head hits the pillow. Nobody sleeps but me in this house."

"What are those? They look like little triangles? Nach-os... Ooooh Mum's eating them like they are the elixir of life itself. Maybe I can sneak one when she's not looking. I'll just ... a little further ... she's looking! Act natural, act natural. Doop de doop ... got it! Buggeration!. She sees me. I don't even care. Go ahead and try to get this from my hand, Mummy. I'll die first. Victory is MINE."

"If everyone else is pushing buttons, I should push buttons. Where are some buttons? Give me the buttons! Yeah, I'll call Nana. I'll call whomever I want. Quit talking to me like I don't know what I'm doing, I call people all the time. Check your call log. That's right. You should really have never let me hold your phone."

"I can sooooo walk. You just need to put me down on the floor. I can do it! I can!"

"So this is the floor.... and yet I still can't seem to walk. I am doing just the same as you and yet I do not move. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY LEGS DAMN YOU!"

"You know, I can see that you want me to sit nicely in my chair while you eat that dinner. You're offering me my teddy and my Joshua Giraffe teether. I see all that. You know what else I see? Your lap which I want to sit on. I'll scream, oh I will scream big time. Just try me."

"Breakfast. Pureed pears. No, I don't want that. Don't even try to give me those pears; I will bite you. You're an idiot. I refuse to eat that. Don't do aeroplane noises, idiot! I don't even like pears, I can tell by looking. Wait... that aeroplane noise is so hard to resist... I am involuntarily opening my mouth! Fine! I'll try it. Wait, that's good. Yes. Yes, I like that. Give me another bite. I SAID GIVE ME ANOTHER BITE. No, I'm done. I'm spitting. Spitting, spitting."

"Hey, my nappy is off! Ooooh, freedom! Kicky kick kick! Wait, I remember that feeling, there it goes. Definitely a wee. Wait, when did everything get so wet around me?"

"Mummy! Why are you yelping? I was eating here! All I did was hear Daddy walk in and turn my head and then your nipple did that really funny twanging thing out of my mouth. It was hilarious!"

"Why are you all cooing at me and telling me I am a clever boy! I am telling you something very important! Stop saying ga ga and da da at me! I am explaining a very complex issue regarding milk!"

"La la la, what a nice day... wait, a pretty lady is smiling at me! OK, you've practised this, your best smile, go! Lots of gums! That's right, come to me pretty lady, I am sooooo cute!"

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