When I am not so tired....

So the baby turned 1. Seriously, this is terrifying. He has somehow evolved before my eyes into a walking, running, very opinionated human being. He can use a fork by himself, he can follow instructions (shut the door, pass me the book) and do the actions of several rhymes; the latter two, admittedly, depend massively on mood and the proximity of any type of snack or baked good but they can be done none the less.



He is close to talking. He has pretty much mastered 'no' which tends to be said to himself with a shake of his head just before he does something he is not supposed to or if I offer him broccoli. He may say a few other words, he seems to skirt around 'yes', 'this' and 'dog', dog in particular was used with vigor tonight when we went to a safari night. We may have to work on that before he tries to bring home a jaguar...

I love him such an incredible amount, my heart swells at the thought of him, I break ino a broad, nose spreading grin when I look at him and, one day, I would love to give him many brothers and sisters (we are still negotiating specific figures).

One day.

High horse

Rex has a lot of books. As well as being pretty much addicted to buying them, we also ask for them for every gift for him and are members of the library. This week Rex selected a book about the bath. Steve was reading it to him...

Steve: Duck on a rope.... soap! This book is truly awful! Roo, you have got some great books from the library before, I particularly liked Wonkey Donkey, but this one is shocking! I mean look at this: bumpy seahorse! That's a lie! Seahorses aren't bumpy! The author should ask David Attenborough! And Sir Attenborough would tell him - seahorses are not bumpy.

There is a brief moment of quiet.

Steve: You know, even if seahorses were, in fact, bumpy, which they ARE NOT, then what a stupid thing to tell a baby, how would he even know? It is not like he sees a lot of seahorses is it? Not like dogs and cats which he knows, for he has witnessed, cats being soft and dogs being waggy... Stupid book. Duck on a rope.... I mean....

He is full of wisdomosity

Steve: You know when you publish your blog? I guess, as it is mainly about me, I should get 50% of the profits...

Me: Right...

Steve: I am, after all, your inspiration, your muse if you will.

Me: Well, do you copyright everything you say?

Steve: Yes. A teeny, tiny gnome follows me around and notes down everything I say.

Me: (peering behind him) That is clearly false.

Steve: He is invisible.

A happy home

Steve had just got Rex out of the bath.

Steve: You really are the cleverest baby in the world Roo. So smart. Well... actually, I am going to be honest, there are probably other babies who are just as clever out there, maybe some who are actually more clever. But that is ok! Because you have the looks too; we wouldn't want you to be a Sheldon Cooper would we? No, you are like Leonard.

I interject from the other room.

Me: Leonard is hardly gorgeous.

Steve: Fair point, but he gets Penny.

Me: (Still shouting from the next room) Because she moves across the hall.

Steve: True... but sometimes that is what it is all about Rexy, proximity. If Cheryl Cole had moved across the hall from me then she would probably be your mummy.

Me: Errrrrr....

Steve: Of course, silly Daddy she wouldn't be your mummy, your mummy will always be Mummy!

He pauses.

Steve: Cheryl Cole would be your step-mummy.

It had been a long day

Me: Steve, did you order my butterflies?

Steve: Butterflies? No.

Livy: Why?!

Steve: I've not had any time.

Me: But it only takes two minutes with any recognised debit or credit card, the woman on the infomercial said.

Steve: Why do you even want butterflies?

Me: Ummm, duh! Because it is super cool. You get them as caterpillars and then they grow, turn into chrysalises... chrysali... and then butterflies and then they fly away!It is totally awesome.

Steve: Let me rephrase that, I do not want butterflies.

Me: You do! And you would benefit from them; they are very beneficial.

Steve: How?

Me: Well they are very educational. And they are pretty to look at. And you can eat their honey.

Steve: That is bees.

In which Steve infers I fancy a child

Me: Michael Douglas, Heather Graham, Jaden Smith, Will Smith and Bradley Cooper! Graham Norton has a hell of a sofa tonight.

Steve: That is a line up.

Me: Jaden Smith grew up didn't he? He is a good looking boy. Only 14 but a cutie.

Steve: Yeah I suppose.

The show continues.

Me: See, now I love Will Smith, you know I love Will Smith, he has always been on my freebie list but you know what, looking at this sofa, I think he would move into second place. Yes, I think I would definitely do Bradley Cooper before Will Smith!

Steve: Thank god you said Bradley Cooper. I was worried for a second there.

Frazzled

Steve is going to take Rex for a walk and so see Grandma and Grandpa while I do some proofing.

I get Rex in his coat, fill up his beaker, check the change bag and find two blankets ready. Steve comes out of the bathroom. We head downstairs and outside to get the pram out of the car and set it up. Just then the music of an ice cream van starts playing. Steve is very excited. The van appears.

Steve: I am getting an ice cream! Do you want one?

He hands the baby to me and runs to the van, leaving me with the boot open and a wriggling Rex in one arm.

Steve to the ice cream man: I think I will have a cornetto please...

I try and lift the pram out of the boot.

Steve to the ice cream man: No... wait... is that a Feast?

The pram catch releases mid lift and the wheels land on my toes. Rex tries to grab the car keys from my other hand.

Steve to the ice cream man: No, sorry, changed my mind, I will just have a vanilla cone.

I try and click the pram up, Rex's grip on the keys tightens.

Steve to the ice cream man: Make it a double cone please.

I slam the boot shut, Rex now has the car keys and manages to lock the car.

Steve to the ice cream man: Hmmmm, just the one flake I think.

I realise that the raincover is still in the boot so try to wrestle the keys off Rex who starts hitting me in the head with them while wriggling out of my grip.

Steve to the ice cream man: You know what? I will have some strawberry sauce! Why not?!

I have managed to get the keys off the baby, open the boot, plonk a now crying Rex in there before I drop him while I grab the raincover and shove it under the pram.

Steve wanders casually over.

Steve: What is he doing in the boot? Wow, this is really good ice cream.