Wednesday, 11 August 2010

Sinking fast (but hopefully bobbing up like one of those buoy things within a day or so)

Today life is pretty rubbish.

I am generally struggling this week, partly because I just am (please tell me you sometimes have weeks like this?) and partly because it is the one year anniversary (totally the wrong phrase) of something tomorrow. Something that I found out, that impossibly changed nothing but also everything and that I am partly still dealing with and struggling with, even though I have been told by several people that I 'should be over it by now'.

But it is never that simple is it.

And, being the chronic over analyser that I am, I am second guessing myself. Should I have dealt with this by now? Should I be over it? Should it have ever mattered in the first place (as one  person told me)? Am I being self indulgent?

And that's just the simple, one layer analysis.

Go a level deeper and there's more. Third guessing if you will. If I am being self indulgent then isn't it technically my right to do so as it is my issue? Can I force myself to be over something when I know deep down I'm not? What right have others to tell me how I should feel?

And fourth guessing, another level further.... What if I am being so self indulgent that I don't see it for what it is and that others are right and that in fact I should be over it? What if by allowing myself to think these things I am stopping myself from dealing with it all correctly? What if those people who are lecturing me and telling how to feel are only doing so because they know more than me about this and are only doing what is best?

There are several deeper, uglier and more confusing levels that I can, and often do, go to to analyse and think on but by telling you those you are likely to become so confused and be sure that I am, in fact, an insane Livy, trapped in the currently not so fun Livy world and believe that I should be labotomised immediately.

Instead I will tell you that, rather than remain calm and just get the hell on with it, I instead decided to fall off the healthy eating band wagon and purchase a sausage and cheese panini.

Doesn't sound nice does it?

It wasn't.

But I ate it anyway. And then felt sick and now feel angrier still at myself.

So, here is the new plan.
Get through today, head down, work hard, go home, try and sleep without any form of nightmares (which is the classic Stressed Livy symptom)
  • Tomorrow, wake up, ideally from a lovely night's sleep, more likely tired and stressed, get through the day again, head down, work hard, go home, look forward to sleep and sleep
  • Friday, I WILL FEEL BETTER. The day will be over and it is a new year start.
The silly thing is, why does that '1 year' mark even matter? Why, in my head, is tomorrow harder than last Thursday or a Thursday a month ago?

Minds are silly things aren't they? So here is a picture of me, younger and far more stress free (apart from five minutes later when I fell off...).

Hoping to be back with you soon, but sane and fun and much less sucky. x


Anonymous said...

Dear Livy, I have been reading your lovely little blog for a while now, I love your ramblings and musings.
Can I just say that I know how you feel. We all have those weeks that suck for no reason.

As for the (and I agree its such a stupid word for this) "anniversary", a lot of people have those too. Those dates we wish we could forgot but can't. The dates when something happened that becomes part of who you are in a way that other days just don't.

Only you will know when you are "over it"...and you may never be. I have certain days of the year that will always make me want to I do. I know it's coming and I plan for it, I hide, eat rubbish, watch cheesy movies and read trashy mags until I can face the world again without wanting to do either myself or someone else harm. Sometimes it's all you can do to just get through the day.

Keep your chin up. "This too shall pass". Sending you hugs! Sabrinafayre. xo

Peridot said...

No-one has the right to tell you what you 'should' feel. You go right ahead honey and deal with it as best you can - without the side order of torturing yourself whether you should even be recognising it.

You're over it when you are. End of. When the fat lady sings (no reference to that panini btw!).

Hope you feel better soon. Chin up and hope you get some peaceful zzzzzzs

Seren said...

Hi Livy,

I'm so sorry you're feeling low. But as for asking what you "should" do or "should" feel...I don't think there are any "shoulds" when it comes to dealing with emotional issues. And no one has a right to tell you how to feel. Take your time, and listen to yourself, do what you need to do and what you instinctively know is the right thing for you. If that means sleeping and eating a bit of comfort food then so be it.

Take care of yourself. Oh, and cute picture by the way. I, too, was the proud owner of a pink bike!


Anonymous said...

chin up pet.

missrecyclenow x x x