I am generally struggling this week, partly because I just am (please tell me you sometimes have weeks like this?) and partly because it is the one year anniversary (totally the wrong phrase) of something tomorrow. Something that I found out, that impossibly changed nothing but also everything and that I am partly still dealing with and struggling with, even though I have been told by several people that I 'should be over it by now'.
But it is never that simple is it.
And, being the chronic over analyser that I am, I am second guessing myself. Should I have dealt with this by now? Should I be over it? Should it have ever mattered in the first place (as one person told me)? Am I being self indulgent?
And that's just the simple, one layer analysis.
Go a level deeper and there's more. Third guessing if you will. If I am being self indulgent then isn't it technically my right to do so as it is my issue? Can I force myself to be over something when I know deep down I'm not? What right have others to tell me how I should feel?
And fourth guessing, another level further.... What if I am being so self indulgent that I don't see it for what it is and that others are right and that in fact I should be over it? What if by allowing myself to think these things I am stopping myself from dealing with it all correctly? What if those people who are lecturing me and telling how to feel are only doing so because they know more than me about this and are only doing what is best?
There are several deeper, uglier and more confusing levels that I can, and often do, go to to analyse and think on but by telling you those you are likely to become so confused and be sure that I am, in fact, an insane Livy, trapped in the currently not so fun Livy world and believe that I should be labotomised immediately.
Instead I will tell you that, rather than remain calm and just get the hell on with it, I instead decided to fall off the healthy eating band wagon and purchase a sausage and cheese panini.
Doesn't sound nice does it?
But I ate it anyway. And then felt sick and now feel angrier still at myself.
So, here is the new plan.
Get through today, head down, work hard, go home, try and sleep without any form of nightmares (which is the classic Stressed Livy symptom)
- Tomorrow, wake up, ideally from a lovely night's sleep, more likely tired and stressed, get through the day again, head down, work hard, go home, look forward to sleep and sleep
- Friday, I WILL FEEL BETTER. The day will be over and it is a new year start.
Minds are silly things aren't they? So here is a picture of me, younger and far more stress free (apart from five minutes later when I fell off...).
Hoping to be back with you soon, but sane and fun and much less sucky. x