Some tales

You must excuse the lack of postage because a very sad thing happened.

I stood on my laptop and smashed the screen. Twas tragic. I cried. More than once. So this post comes to you through the exciting method of plugging said laptop into the tv thus making a massive computer which is Very Cool (although difficult to buy secret presents on).

Anyway, the nature of this post is birth.

The birth of Mr Rex was not straight forward, of course it wasn't, I mea, was it ever going to be with Steve and me at the helm? And, I would like to share the story of it with you. I do, however, understand that not all of you will want to read about me in labour (although we ended with a c section so there will be little talking of vjay-jays) so I will be posting the story in a separate section of the blog. I am still trying to work out how to create such a section so bear (bare?) with me.

I do, however, have to tell you the most brilliant bit of giving birth. It was not hearing my newborn son's cries for the first time, no, that went more like this:

Doctor: He's here!

Me: He is? Really?

Steve: Yes! Can't you hear him crying?

Me: No!

Nurse: There! Did you hear that cry?

Me: No!

Surgeon: He's crying! Can you hear him?

Me: Maybe I could if you all stopped asking me!

Silence

Me: I still can't hear him!

Steve: There, that little squeek then. That's him!

Me: I thought that was a dog!

Steve: A dog? We are in an operating theatre! Logically, why would there be a dog here?

Me: It is 11pm on a Bank Holiday Monday and I just signed a consent form giving permission for a man I have never met to slice me in two. Logic is not playing a huge part of my day.

No, this is the really brilliant part.

After they got the baby out and I had kissed him, they gave him to Steve and Steve sat just by my head on the right while they finished my surgery. When you have a caesarian, they make you lie with you arms out to your sides, like you are on a cross, and, while in this position, I was clutching a tissue in my right hand. Suddenly,

Steve: Liv, do you have a tissue?

Me: Yes, for some reason I am still holding this one from the labour room.

Steve: Great, I am really hot so could you mop my brow?

I reached up, behind my head and dabbed at Steve's head. While I was still being operated on.

Now, lets remember, we're very sleep deprived...

Steve and I were in the living room. Steve was eating. I was feeding the baby and myself simultaneously. We were watching How I Met Your Mother. The adverts came on.

Steve: Seriously, a Christmas advert already?

Me: I know, but it is October. Christmas is just round the corner.

Steve: I am looking forward to this Christmas, it is going to be awesome. I'm not usually big on Christmas but it is going to be so special this year. I want us to get the big tree, play Christmas songs, see everyone and just celebrate.

A new advert came on. It played for a minute and then:

Me: Another Christmas ad! Wait... this is the exact same Christmas M&S advert as last year! With the X Factor contestants.

Steve: I was about to say! Are they saving money or something? Why reuse it? It is not as if last year's contestants are particularly rele..

He stopped.

Steve: Oh God... Liv, we're playing this How I Met Your Mother on Sky+. It is from last year. These adverts are from last year.

Me: I had totally forgotten that we had pressed play.

Steve: Me too. We must never speak of this again.

The father of my child ladies and gentlemen!

So at the minute our evenings consist of TV and food, takeaway if we are living on the edge.

Living in the land of little sleep and fuzzy brain, the TV must be simple; I'm talking Big Bang Theory, Rules of Engagement, Pointless (although that can be a tad taxing), anyway, tonight's viewing choice was American Pie 2. A classic I think you'll agree.

Watching with Steve of course, meant that I was subjected to his constant film critiquing expertise. He is quite the Barry Norman.

Comments included:

"She is not attractive, face like a spat out toffee."

"Stifler may be cooler than Barney. But in a less cool way."

"I need to buy this song. Sum41 rock."

"This film is ridiculous."

And then came the bit where Kevin claims to have slept with three women over his first year at college.

Steve: "Three over a year? Shocking!"

Me: "You prude! Three is hardly a huge number over 12 months!"

Steve: "That's what I mean, three was good a weekend for 18 year old me! I woke up in a hotel room with more!"

I rolled my eyes.

Steve: "Wait... no that was the same number. I think. And it is all very hazy..."

And we muddle through...

One of the must have baby things we have discovered are muslin cloths. They are basically squares of material that we use for just about everything Rex related - wiping up sick, draping over our shoulders to catch sick, putting under his head to stop sick getting on surfaces.

Did I mention that Rex likes to be sick?

Good job he is super cute.

Anyway, before he was born we had only three of these miracle cloths, within three days of being home (and approximately 11 washes), we realised we needed more.

So off Steve went to Tesco, the hub of cheap baby products, there, he searched the aisles.

The muslin cloths were nowhere to be found, not in the baby aisle, not in the clothing section, no, so he approached a helpful Tesco employee...

Steve: Excuse me, I was wondering if you could tell me where you keep your muslins?

Tesco man: Ummm... I'm sorry sir?

Steve: I am looking for your muslins, where do you keep them?

Tesco man: Well we don't 'keep' them to start with and I can't really tell you anymore, you may need to speak to a manager about your enquiry and why you need to know.

Steve (getting exasperated now): What? Why? All I want is to buy some muslin cloths for our new baby!

Tesco man: Ohhhhh! Muslin cloths! Sorry, I thought you said Muslims! The muslin cloths are with the home furnishings, third aisle on the left.

And I gave birth to his child a fortnight ago...

This morning I came downstairs after a lovely baby free lie in after a hideous baby full night.

Steve and Rex were on the sofa. MTV was on loud and Steve was making Rex dance to Girls Aloud.

"We are having a party!" Steve shouted.

He had that slightly manic look of someone who had been alone with a newborn for a good few hours with no-one to talk to.

I gave him a kiss.

"Thanks for the lie in Mr, I feel soooo much better."

"No problem," Steve replied, "Did you know that you aren't allowed to say 'drunk sex' in a song? That song by the red lipstick girl was on, the how we do one."

"Rita Ora?" I interjected.

"Yep, anyway, it was on and she was allowed to say 'drunk' and 'sex' but not together, evidently 'drunk sex' it just too naughty."

"How bizarre", I observed.

"I know right, especially for you, I mean, isn't that what you specialised in at uni?"

The first adjustment

I am a big fan of cards.

I send a lot, I buy a lot, hell, one of my favourite places to browse is Paperchase; window shopping for cards? Awesome is the word you are looking for.

Anyway, one of the things I love the absolute mostest is receiving cards. It is for this reason that I love birthdays and Christmas and it is the only thing that stopped me plunging into a deep grump after our wedding.

Naturally, I have loved all the cards that Rex has got. There are lots.

In fact there are so many now that I am actually jealous.

You see, I have always been in the firm belief that you should aim to receive as many birthday cards as your age, so if you are 30, you should aim for 30 cards, 8 for your 8th birthday etc.... Therefore Rex was onto a no fail situation, being 0 and all. I mean, one would be a success for him, 10 an absolute triumph.

He currently has 54. And I have had messages from friends and family saying that they are still sending them.

For my last birthday, I received 26; I turned 28. This meant I had to go out and buy myself two cards. It was sad in every meaning of the word.

Two weeks old and my son has more friends than me...

Introducing....

I had to go with the cheesey traditional title!

This is Rex Arthur Nye.

He is very little and very scrummy.

He was born on Monday at 22.59 and weighed 8lb 10.5oz.

We are suitably obsessed with him as he is frankly awesome.